Preface: Though intended as dark humor, there are some disturbing
concepts set forth in this fictional document, which strike frighteningly
true to reality.
Between an Individual and the United States Government
WHEREAS I wish to reside on the continent of North America, and
WHEREAS the United States Government controls the area on which I
wish to reside, and
WHEREAS tacit or implied contracts are vague and therefore unenforceable,
I agree to the following terms :
I will surrender a percentage of my property to the Government. The
actual percentage will be determined by the Government and will be subject
to change at any time. The amount to be surrendered may be based on my
income, the value of my property, the value of my purchases, or any other
criteria the government chooses. To aid the Government in determining the
percentage, I will apply for a Government identification number that I
will use in all my major transactions.
Should the Government demand it, I will surrender my liberty for a period
of time determined by the Government and typically no shorter than two
years. During that time, I will serve the Government in any way it
chooses, including military service in which I may be called upon to
sacrifice my life.
I will limit my behavior as demanded by the Government. I will consume
only those drugs permitted by the Government. I will limit my sexual
activities to those permitted by the Government. I will forsake religious
beliefs that conflict with the Government's determination of propriety.
More limits may be imposed at any time.
In consideration for the above, the Government will permit me to find
employment, subject to limits that will be determined by the Government.
These limits may restrict my choice of career or the wages I may accept.
The Government will permit me to reside in the area of North America which
it controls. Also, the Government will allow me to speak freely, subject
to limits determined by the Government's Congress and Supreme Court.
The Government will attempt to protect my life and my claim to the
property it has allowed me to keep. I agree not to hold the Government
liable if it fails to protect me or my property.
The Government will offer various services to me. The nature and extent of
these services will be determined by the Government and are subject to
change at any time.
The Government will determine whether I may vote for certain Government
officials. The influence of my vote will vary inversely with the number of
voters, and I understand that it typically will be minuscule. I agree not
to hold any elected Government officials liable for acting against my best
interests or for breaking promises, even if those promises motivated me to
vote for them.
I agree that the Government may hold me fully liable if I fail to abide by
the above terms. In that event, the Government may confiscate any property
that I have not previously surrendered to it, and may imprison me for a
period of time to be determined by the Government. I also agree that the
Government may alter the terms of this contract at any time.
Signed: ____________________________________ Date: ___________